Sometimes the float is necessary

Have you ever been on a canoe trip? You go out with a group of friends or family. There are jokes, laughter and hopes for a great day. So you set out in your respective canoe's and you start the journey. Now everyone has to start out at a different time so you are all spread out. Some where along the way the fun of the journey starts to get lost. You feel as if the group is to far out in front and you start to paddle to catch up. While you lose focus on the fun and the scenery you begin to stress about catching up. You get an over whelming urgency to not be the last ones and the joy begins to fade. The journey now is no longer fun its about catching up. Then you catch up and you find yourself in a canoe jam because everyone is all bunched up. Now you are back paddling so you don't tip the canoe or tip someone else's canoe. You see the looks on some of the other people's face's, you see the stress, you see the frustration and you start to wonder why you took this trip in the first place. Then you remember, you needed to float. Sometimes you need to put your paddle across your legs and float. Float on the river, listen to the laughter and know that you don't need to be in the traffic jam. You can enjoy the trip for what it is or what it was supposed to be, a good time. 

This canoe trip is like life. We start out with great intentions and let circumstances get the best of us. We start to paddle, we focus on the destination and not the journey. Next time you start to see the jam put your paddle in your lap and float. You are not lost, you won't get left behind. There is time to enjoy, there is time to work, and sometimes you just need to float.

Venting

I found myself in the situation where I needed to vent today. I don't need someone to tell me my problem and/or how to fix it. I already know what the problem is and what I can do to fix it I am just not ready to make that choice. I just wanted to vent.

I was then reminded of one of the key differences between men and women. See when a woman vents they are just looking for someone to listen. So normally that is why they vent to other women. When you vent to a man (god love them) they want to fix the problem, or tell you how to fix the problem. When you are in a committed relationship at some point if you do not vent to your partner they get upset and are hurt because they feel as if you are keeping things from them. Truth is sometimes the problem is them and how can you vent to them about them. Or sometimes you know even if its not about them in the end it will become about them, or it will become an argument. Why would you want an argument when you are already so ticked off that you need to vent in the first place?

I don't know about any of you that are reading this but I don't hold on to anger. Holding on to the anger will serve no greater good in my life, so I vent and move on.

Doesn't matter

Ok so I admitted my failure earlier today and I would like to add an apology. See although I own and admitted to my failure I did not apologize for it, so here goes. I am truly sorry for failing to show you the way you should be treated. I am sorry for failing to be the best role model I could be for you.
Above all else, I love you and I am truly sorry that I have failed you.

So in owning and now apologizing for my failure I guess I deserve the sting of hurt after reading a post. See the post stated I don't care what anyone else thinks. I also read another that said something along the lines of trying to break us up and failing followed with an LOL. Well I have to be honest that stung, a lot. I have felt the hurt and I have received the message loud and clear.. Besides why would my opinion mean anything. I in every technical, legal stance am nothing to you. It does not matter how long I have been in your life, or how long I will continue to be. It does not matter that I will always look at you as my own. I will always call you my own. It does not matter that until I take my last breath I will and have always loved you and could never stop nor would I want to stop loving you. So I guess it also does not matter that my opinion means less to you than your mj.

If you want to be with him then do it. If he truly makes you happy than be with him. Just remember they all made you truly happy in the beginning. We convince ourselves so easily with the euphoria of something new of how this is the best thing ever. So just because I don't agree with something or believe that you deserve more it never means that I don't love you.

Epic Fail

Ok, so today I must say that I have failed. You see as a woman, a mother, a friend and human being we are here to learn, teach and grow. Some how I failed one of my children. I thought I taught them that no one should be there everything.

I am not saying that when you are in a relationship that it should not hold a significant place in your life, your decisions and your opportunity for growth but it should never be your everything. See when you say it is your everything than you are saying you are nothing with out it. If you feel you are nothing with out this relationship or this person then you shouldn't be in a relationship because you don't know yourself enough. NO ONE should be the be all, end all in your life with one exception... You.

When you place some one else as your everything then you lose YOU! You make decisions based on what someone else wants, what someone else likes and you lose yourself to them.

It is a scary place to wake up from one day. You have lost yourself, your dreams, you have given up on your happiness. You gave up on you. You now let someone else's happiness, dreams, goals and voice become what you use as a guide.

When you stop caring what other's think or feel about your everything then there is a problem. If you are trying to convince yourself that you don't care how all the people who have been there, in your life all the time feel about this then RED FLAGS have been raised.

I do not begrudge any of my children happiness but how am I supposed to believe the happiness is true and genuine when they lost their own voice? They lost their own voice because it doesn't match what their everything says it should be.

Conflict

I find myself facing a new dilemma. As a parent you long to see your children happy, but what happens when you see that happiness but aren't happy with the why they are happy or with the whom.

I know as a responsible parent you say it shouldn't matter. Your child is happy so you should just be happy for them. Then the nagging loud voice keeps screaming in your head that this is a huge mistake and the happiness will soon be followed by heartache and tears and you would never want the words, "I told you so" to escape your lips as you try and comfort them.  There in lies the conflict.

I find myself asking the question of how I can convey a genuine heartfelt I am happy for you when, well you are not. So I think I figured it out. I just need to break it down. Look at what is the most important right now. Right now I am genuinely happy for my child's happiness. I can easily and honestly convey that. The rest of the situation can not matter right now. When the heartache and the tears come, I then can just comfort and help show them the way to new happiness. There is and never will be any satisfaction  in the "I told you so." If by chance the words slip from your mouth and it doesn't even have to be those exact words people know what you mean. Own your words and apologize for any hurt that they cause. They will cause hurt.

Bad Parent?????

Thank god I never received the memo that telling your child not to do drugs is being a bad parent. Also if your child is using since when is it hindering their growth to say if you choose to do drugs you can't be around? Last I knew that was tough love.

I am all for allowing your child to make their own decisions good or bad, however as a parent how can you in good conscious think that allowing your child to use and not say anything can be taken as not allowing them to grow as a person and one day wake up and say well that was a stupid choice.

There is a difference between making wrong choices that will one day be recognized by them as stupid and choices that can lead to other things that they might not wake up from or be completely trapped by.

If you judge me for that and that makes me a bad parent then I will gladly take being a bad parent. I will be a bad parent for wanting something better for my children. I will be a bad parent for telling them that using is not acceptable. I will be a bad parent for loving my child so much that I will speak up.

You want to call people bad parents and say they are hindering their children's growth as an adult because they wont accept using or are unwilling to accept bad people in their lives. That those "bad parents" should take a step back and let their children make their choices good and bad. That is a wonderful piece of advice, however if you are someone who will only offer your child help that is conditional of them doing what you wish such as coming back home, or the promise to come back home then aren't YOU really the one that is not willing to step back and let your child make their own choices good or bad, smart or stupid. Love is not conditional. Help for your child should not be conditional. No matter what my children's choices are, my love for them is unconditional. There is a difference. If you know your child is already in a bad way from the choices that you have stood by and allowed them to make already, do you really think your added pressure to conform to what you want them to do to get your help is beneficial for them? They are already suffering, they are already feeling the pressure, feeling trapped and you think nothing of adding more because that is what you want, not what they want or the choice they make. You are forcing them to choose what you want. Lastly, you are willing to put all this pressure and conditions on them but you won't say anything about them using and look at it a growing experience that should just be allowed, really?

So, if loving my child unconditionally, being there for them always, good and bad decisions, helping when I can, speaking up on the matter of drugs, speaking up on the choices they are making (but still allowing them to make), listening to them and recognizing they are an adult, wanting the best for them then I will gladly bear the title as Bad Parent.

What is the true cost?

Everyday we are reminded of the cost of life, but have you really ever stopped and took in the actual thought of cost? I mean we all look at cost as money but with our choices there is a much greater cost.

The people we choose to have in our lives for instance. Everyone of those people come with a cost. The cost of investing in them, the cost of choosing to keep them in your life. Sometimes we don't even realize the cost until its to late.

Take for instance a significant other. By choosing them you could be costing yourself, your family and your friends, sometimes even your future. That seems like a pretty high price to pay. The problem is you never really see the cost on your relationships until its over and you have no one around you anymore.

I know we as individuals can all be stubborn and relentless in pursuing what at the time makes us happy, but if someone is costing you so much don't you think you owe it to yourself to ask why this person's cost is so much greater than the others.

Now if you are really digging your heels in then you are saying to yourself because they are worth more. Well let me remind you of something, No one is worth more than someone else. We complain that everyone in today's society feels entitled, feels they should have more and do less. If your honest you know that you have done it and you have also complained when you have seen it being done. So make the choice and stop.

Your friends and family want nothing more in the world then to see you happy, with a life full of great things. Stop thinking that they are trying to deny you happiness. They are on the outside looking in and they see things that your blinders won't. They see through the lies, the bullshit and the excuses. They know who you really are and they hate watching you be someone that your not so that you can cover the cost of having someone in your life.

Remember nothing is this world is free. There will always be a cost (choice). Be mindful of how much you are willing to pay.