Sometimes the float is necessary

Have you ever been on a canoe trip? You go out with a group of friends or family. There are jokes, laughter and hopes for a great day. So you set out in your respective canoe's and you start the journey. Now everyone has to start out at a different time so you are all spread out. Some where along the way the fun of the journey starts to get lost. You feel as if the group is to far out in front and you start to paddle to catch up. While you lose focus on the fun and the scenery you begin to stress about catching up. You get an over whelming urgency to not be the last ones and the joy begins to fade. The journey now is no longer fun its about catching up. Then you catch up and you find yourself in a canoe jam because everyone is all bunched up. Now you are back paddling so you don't tip the canoe or tip someone else's canoe. You see the looks on some of the other people's face's, you see the stress, you see the frustration and you start to wonder why you took this trip in the first place. Then you remember, you needed to float. Sometimes you need to put your paddle across your legs and float. Float on the river, listen to the laughter and know that you don't need to be in the traffic jam. You can enjoy the trip for what it is or what it was supposed to be, a good time. 

This canoe trip is like life. We start out with great intentions and let circumstances get the best of us. We start to paddle, we focus on the destination and not the journey. Next time you start to see the jam put your paddle in your lap and float. You are not lost, you won't get left behind. There is time to enjoy, there is time to work, and sometimes you just need to float.

Venting

I found myself in the situation where I needed to vent today. I don't need someone to tell me my problem and/or how to fix it. I already know what the problem is and what I can do to fix it I am just not ready to make that choice. I just wanted to vent.

I was then reminded of one of the key differences between men and women. See when a woman vents they are just looking for someone to listen. So normally that is why they vent to other women. When you vent to a man (god love them) they want to fix the problem, or tell you how to fix the problem. When you are in a committed relationship at some point if you do not vent to your partner they get upset and are hurt because they feel as if you are keeping things from them. Truth is sometimes the problem is them and how can you vent to them about them. Or sometimes you know even if its not about them in the end it will become about them, or it will become an argument. Why would you want an argument when you are already so ticked off that you need to vent in the first place?

I don't know about any of you that are reading this but I don't hold on to anger. Holding on to the anger will serve no greater good in my life, so I vent and move on.

Doesn't matter

Ok so I admitted my failure earlier today and I would like to add an apology. See although I own and admitted to my failure I did not apologize for it, so here goes. I am truly sorry for failing to show you the way you should be treated. I am sorry for failing to be the best role model I could be for you.
Above all else, I love you and I am truly sorry that I have failed you.

So in owning and now apologizing for my failure I guess I deserve the sting of hurt after reading a post. See the post stated I don't care what anyone else thinks. I also read another that said something along the lines of trying to break us up and failing followed with an LOL. Well I have to be honest that stung, a lot. I have felt the hurt and I have received the message loud and clear.. Besides why would my opinion mean anything. I in every technical, legal stance am nothing to you. It does not matter how long I have been in your life, or how long I will continue to be. It does not matter that I will always look at you as my own. I will always call you my own. It does not matter that until I take my last breath I will and have always loved you and could never stop nor would I want to stop loving you. So I guess it also does not matter that my opinion means less to you than your mj.

If you want to be with him then do it. If he truly makes you happy than be with him. Just remember they all made you truly happy in the beginning. We convince ourselves so easily with the euphoria of something new of how this is the best thing ever. So just because I don't agree with something or believe that you deserve more it never means that I don't love you.

Epic Fail

Ok, so today I must say that I have failed. You see as a woman, a mother, a friend and human being we are here to learn, teach and grow. Some how I failed one of my children. I thought I taught them that no one should be there everything.

I am not saying that when you are in a relationship that it should not hold a significant place in your life, your decisions and your opportunity for growth but it should never be your everything. See when you say it is your everything than you are saying you are nothing with out it. If you feel you are nothing with out this relationship or this person then you shouldn't be in a relationship because you don't know yourself enough. NO ONE should be the be all, end all in your life with one exception... You.

When you place some one else as your everything then you lose YOU! You make decisions based on what someone else wants, what someone else likes and you lose yourself to them.

It is a scary place to wake up from one day. You have lost yourself, your dreams, you have given up on your happiness. You gave up on you. You now let someone else's happiness, dreams, goals and voice become what you use as a guide.

When you stop caring what other's think or feel about your everything then there is a problem. If you are trying to convince yourself that you don't care how all the people who have been there, in your life all the time feel about this then RED FLAGS have been raised.

I do not begrudge any of my children happiness but how am I supposed to believe the happiness is true and genuine when they lost their own voice? They lost their own voice because it doesn't match what their everything says it should be.

Conflict

I find myself facing a new dilemma. As a parent you long to see your children happy, but what happens when you see that happiness but aren't happy with the why they are happy or with the whom.

I know as a responsible parent you say it shouldn't matter. Your child is happy so you should just be happy for them. Then the nagging loud voice keeps screaming in your head that this is a huge mistake and the happiness will soon be followed by heartache and tears and you would never want the words, "I told you so" to escape your lips as you try and comfort them.  There in lies the conflict.

I find myself asking the question of how I can convey a genuine heartfelt I am happy for you when, well you are not. So I think I figured it out. I just need to break it down. Look at what is the most important right now. Right now I am genuinely happy for my child's happiness. I can easily and honestly convey that. The rest of the situation can not matter right now. When the heartache and the tears come, I then can just comfort and help show them the way to new happiness. There is and never will be any satisfaction  in the "I told you so." If by chance the words slip from your mouth and it doesn't even have to be those exact words people know what you mean. Own your words and apologize for any hurt that they cause. They will cause hurt.

Bad Parent?????

Thank god I never received the memo that telling your child not to do drugs is being a bad parent. Also if your child is using since when is it hindering their growth to say if you choose to do drugs you can't be around? Last I knew that was tough love.

I am all for allowing your child to make their own decisions good or bad, however as a parent how can you in good conscious think that allowing your child to use and not say anything can be taken as not allowing them to grow as a person and one day wake up and say well that was a stupid choice.

There is a difference between making wrong choices that will one day be recognized by them as stupid and choices that can lead to other things that they might not wake up from or be completely trapped by.

If you judge me for that and that makes me a bad parent then I will gladly take being a bad parent. I will be a bad parent for wanting something better for my children. I will be a bad parent for telling them that using is not acceptable. I will be a bad parent for loving my child so much that I will speak up.

You want to call people bad parents and say they are hindering their children's growth as an adult because they wont accept using or are unwilling to accept bad people in their lives. That those "bad parents" should take a step back and let their children make their choices good and bad. That is a wonderful piece of advice, however if you are someone who will only offer your child help that is conditional of them doing what you wish such as coming back home, or the promise to come back home then aren't YOU really the one that is not willing to step back and let your child make their own choices good or bad, smart or stupid. Love is not conditional. Help for your child should not be conditional. No matter what my children's choices are, my love for them is unconditional. There is a difference. If you know your child is already in a bad way from the choices that you have stood by and allowed them to make already, do you really think your added pressure to conform to what you want them to do to get your help is beneficial for them? They are already suffering, they are already feeling the pressure, feeling trapped and you think nothing of adding more because that is what you want, not what they want or the choice they make. You are forcing them to choose what you want. Lastly, you are willing to put all this pressure and conditions on them but you won't say anything about them using and look at it a growing experience that should just be allowed, really?

So, if loving my child unconditionally, being there for them always, good and bad decisions, helping when I can, speaking up on the matter of drugs, speaking up on the choices they are making (but still allowing them to make), listening to them and recognizing they are an adult, wanting the best for them then I will gladly bear the title as Bad Parent.

What is the true cost?

Everyday we are reminded of the cost of life, but have you really ever stopped and took in the actual thought of cost? I mean we all look at cost as money but with our choices there is a much greater cost.

The people we choose to have in our lives for instance. Everyone of those people come with a cost. The cost of investing in them, the cost of choosing to keep them in your life. Sometimes we don't even realize the cost until its to late.

Take for instance a significant other. By choosing them you could be costing yourself, your family and your friends, sometimes even your future. That seems like a pretty high price to pay. The problem is you never really see the cost on your relationships until its over and you have no one around you anymore.

I know we as individuals can all be stubborn and relentless in pursuing what at the time makes us happy, but if someone is costing you so much don't you think you owe it to yourself to ask why this person's cost is so much greater than the others.

Now if you are really digging your heels in then you are saying to yourself because they are worth more. Well let me remind you of something, No one is worth more than someone else. We complain that everyone in today's society feels entitled, feels they should have more and do less. If your honest you know that you have done it and you have also complained when you have seen it being done. So make the choice and stop.

Your friends and family want nothing more in the world then to see you happy, with a life full of great things. Stop thinking that they are trying to deny you happiness. They are on the outside looking in and they see things that your blinders won't. They see through the lies, the bullshit and the excuses. They know who you really are and they hate watching you be someone that your not so that you can cover the cost of having someone in your life.

Remember nothing is this world is free. There will always be a cost (choice). Be mindful of how much you are willing to pay.

Slow motion car wreck with pretty colors

I know I talk about choices and how you should own them, well I am going to own this all the way.

I am so pissed off right now, because I am on the outside looking in and I feel like I am watching a car accident in slow motion with someone's life that is very important to me. I hate feeling and knowing that I am right. I can not understand how in this day and age people can still be so stupid. How we can simply keep over looking all the bullshit, how we can keep making excuses for people who don't give two shits about you in the end. I say that with conviction because if they gave a shit then you wouldn't have to make excuses for their short comings.

I love how you have this picture in your head of how you really want to see things, you know the perfect bubble where all of lies and bullshit don't enter. You just see the object of your affection all clean and pristine when in reality if you would just take a damp cloth with a little bit of soap on it and in some cases put some elbow grease into it you would wipe that persons face with a clean rag and reveal the filth they are really covered in.

I don't understand how we think that by adding pretty colors to a picture its going to change the foundation of it. You can use all the colors in the big box of crayola's and guess what you will just have a more colorful shitty picture. Your colors will never change it.

Also if you start hiding your life with that person from the people that love you then guess what, you already know in your heart that they see something you just don't want to admit.

I am also so sick of hearing, but this time its different, or I have never felt this way, or no one has every understood me the way he/she does. Guess what you have said that about every fricken person you have ever dated, every one of them. Of course its going to feel different, you are with a different person. Of course they understand you because you are only showing them what they want to see. Get over yourself.

You know what else pisses me off, the fact that some people in your life (you will automatically think of at least one) that never tell you the whole truth. You only hear what they want to tell you, what will make them get what they want, whether it is attention, money or sympathy. I would be more obliged to give you those things if you were just honest about the whole situation not just part of it.  I think part of the reason they do it is because they don't or can't take responsibility for their choices and that is how they are in the mess that they are in.

Today, take your blinders off, think with your brain and stand up.

It is so sad that there are so many emotions to feel yet one of the easiest to display is anger.

Facing people or situations can be difficult especially when they are people you care about, people that are important to you. So many times when things don't go the way we want or hope we instantly go to anger. If we just stopped ourselves for a moment and asked a simple question then the situation could honestly be dealt with. The next time someone doesn't react the way you hope or want, ask yourself this, "Am I angry or am I hurt?" More often then not the truth is you are hurt and you don't know how to express the hurt that you feel. So because we are human we go for the easiest of emotions, anger.
That anger though won't solve the problem, it won't fix the hurt. As bad as this may sound, if you are on the fence of deciding between if you are angry or if you are hurt ask yourself this, " If this person died tonight, or tomorrow would I be angry at them for this (whatever the situation is)? Most likely if you are honest with yourself, you wouldn't be.

When you feel hurt, take a minute to gather your thoughts, put yourself in a time out, whatever you need to do so that you can honestly express what you feel.  Look at the person and just say, "When you just did that (whatever it was they did) it hurts my feelings. Only then can communication be open to deal with it.

Men and women argue all the time, why because no one can be honest enough with themselves to say what they truly feel, what they really mean. We mask it all with anger. Masking the issue with anger is like sweeping something under the rug. Well that rug eventually is not going to lie flat on the floor anymore, then it will start to smell. When it starts to smell and there is a huge pile of crap laying under it no one wants to touch it because it has become overwhelming and they don't know where to start. Some will leave the rug where it lies and either walk away or get a new rug. Some will dig down and start little by little to clean it up. Point is if you make the choice to be honest with yourself and the important people in your life about how you each feel in situations you will never have a smelly dirty lump of a rug on your floor.

"You have to understand that I have the choice to have you in my life and you have the choice to accept my choice or reject it." N. Kelley

My worth will never be based on your opinion of me. If only all of us could get to that point, I believe life would be easier.

I have had the opportunity to ponder a situation that was brought to me and I feel it is worth sharing. I hope that if you read this and find yourself in this position that it helps.

You are in a relationship. You are unhappy. You believe you deserve better, however you have chosen to stay where you are unhappy. Where you feel you are taken for granted. Where your self esteem has become so low that you feel you no one else would want you. You feel lost, hopeless and worthless. Then magically someone comes along and says the right things. They build you up. They raise your self esteem. They remind you that you are worth more. You are overwhelmed and unsure whether to believe them. You take the leap of faith and you start believing. You start believing all the wonderful things they tell you. You stat to realize that you deserve more. You deserve happiness. You start getting stronger. You start sharing your voice. You start making choices. You decide if the person I am with can not make me happy and treat me the way I now feel I deserve to be treated I will leave. Then you start thinking I will be with the person that built me up. The one that reminded you of you and what you deserve.

I do not believe that the person that helped you see, admit and built you up is who you are supposed to run to. I know it is hard because you started to have feelings for them. How could you not? I believe the person that helped you did only what they were supposed to. They were supposed to remind you.
If you run to them, you are still relying on someone else to tell you what you are worth.

When you get out of an unhappy relationship you need to be on your own. You need to be comfortable with you. You need to be able to sit by yourself and not feel lonely.

Be who you are. It takes two to make a relationship and two to break a relationship. Fault and blame serve no one, nor will it allow you to grow. You have to recognize your part. You have to own your part, learn from them and then move on. If you don't you will eventually find yourself back in a relationship that in the beginning will be amazing and then soon you will be unhappy and someone else will have to come in and remind you. Break the cycle. Find the happiness that you want and deserve.

You can do this. We so easily find positives in everyone else but not our selves.
Stop believing that asking for what you want is a horrible crime. It is not. The true crime and horrible punishment is from not speaking up. Use your voice.

So over the holiday weekend I unfortunately found myself in the grocery store. As I am walking along I see this woman decked out in a white skirt and shirt. Then I noticed the black thong. Either she did not know that you could see through the skirt or she just didn't care. Which made me wonder, why. I started to wonder if she had looked at herself in the mirror before she left, or why hadn't the man that was with her let her know. I mean that is something you should really tell your significant other. Even if you enjoy seeing all she has to offer, why would you allow others to see her that way?
I often complain that I find people very caddy. People are very mean about other people and women are the worst. I mean women will point out every flaw that they see when you walk by. Admit it, you have it down to a science, you can do it in 10 seconds or less.  Mind you they won't say any of it to your face but they are counting your flaws. We need to stop. I have consciously  been trying to not do that and I wasn't being caddy about the woman in the grocery store I actually felt bad, because what if she didn't know.
As a woman, and as many of you readers probably know this, we are worse on ourselves then you could ever dream of being to us. I know every lump, bump and flaw that my body has. I do not need someone else pointing them out even if it is to yourself.
We as women do this, as sadly as it seems, to make ourselves feel better about our body. If we find a flaw in another woman that we might not have, or might not be as pronounced we suddenly feel a little bit better.
We do not need to do that. Know that you are beautiful, lumps, bumps and flaws. There is someone in this world that thinks you are beautiful and you should join that belief.
So I ask woman around the world, stop!!! Let us build each other up, not tear each other apart.
We are all beautiful, special and unique in all of our own individual ways. Be proud of who you are, and what you look like.

I keep trying to figure out why when people get into a relationship that they try to take on their partners likes and dislikes. The person your with fell for you for well, who you are. The person that first sat across from them when they met you. It is good to have differences. Don't get me wrong it is necessary to have some similarities but a relationship needs those differences. You need to be able to continue to be who you are and not what you think your partner wants you to be.
Your job in a relationship is never about changing the person you are with. Your job is to bring out the best in the person you are with. You can't change them, and if you want to change them you are not in the right relationship. You can only change you. You can only change how you react to people.
So many people end relationships because they feel smothered. Why do they feel smothered, because you changed who you are. You changed your job. You are trying to change them. STOP!!!!
One of the most important things in a relationship is being able to walk that fine line between being a part of a couple and remaining who you are. You have to feel secure enough in who you are and do things both together and apart.
No one wants to have someone at their heels 24/7. That may be how it is in the beginning but that is not how it will always be. I know as a women when it hits that point at first in the relationship you start to wonder is everything ok? Stop worrying. Worry when it doesn't get to that point.
Everyone needs that time to be on their own, doing their own thing, being with their friends. Those times let them recharge. Those times let them not feel smothered. Those times apart help strengthen the relationship you are in.
I know, how can you be together if you are apart? You are not apart all the time, you are finding balance. You can be the greatest person in the world but if you don't let yourself or your partner be who they are, enjoy the things that they enjoy or spend time with people away from you, they are going to choose to leave for good with out you. Then you will sit back and wonder why. You will replay your whole relationship and pick out all the wonderful things that you have done, all the things you have given up, and still wonder why, still wonder how. During your self reflection you will have found your answer. You won't recognize the answer because you don't want to. Your answer lies in the part of all the things you have given up. You gave up on who you are. You changed who you are and your job in the relationship. I know it sucks to see that. I also know it sucks to admit it but that is the truth. If you can't see it then think about this. Sometimes the why doesn't matter. It is what it is, you can't worry about the why and just move on.

Question, when texting everyone understands that if the text is in capital letters, the other person means business/angry. So what would the best way be to have sarcasm understood?
Communication is very important but when you are sending a text, or email or any other form of communication the emotion is lost. The person on the other end doesn't get to see if you really mean what you are saying or if your being sarcastic or trying to be funny and just failing miserable. With out them knowing what you are trying to express you could get yourself in to a lot of trouble. So save the important  conversations for face to face or in today's day video chats lol

I bring all this up because I often hear people say, " How was I supposed to know if you don't tell me?" They have a valid point. Unfortunately we are not mind readers yet. So why do people feel horrible about asking for what they want, what they need, or for help. We feel horrible because when we ask, people draw conclusions and stop listening. Yet if we don't ask no one knows. So don't be afraid to ask, don't be afraid to say you need something. Life will get easier if you do.

On this note I want to address something that bothers me in this hypocritical society. If a women says what she wants, states what she expects (especially in a relationship), states her beliefs and what she will and won't tolerate she is considered to be a bitch. Ok if she doesn't tell you, how will you know. Then there is the built in excuse, you never told me. So let's lay off the excuses and be happy that a women tells you up front what she wants and leaves the decision to you on whether you are up for being in a relationship with her or not. She is just giving you a CHOICE. So try not to be offended, be proud that you are with someone who know's what they like, know's what they want and is willing to be adult enough to tell you. For all that is holy in the world stop with the bitch word. When a man speaks those things he is considered strong, driven and a whole list of positive adjectives.
Basically, I am really just trying to say that being open and upfront about what you want, need and expect will serve you better in the long run with any relationship.  

Have you ever run into a situation where you really start to wonder if someone you care about has lost their damn mind? Well I am in that place. I keep going over things in my head and I just can't seem to understand what the hell they think they are doing and then it dawns on me that THEY AREN'T THINKING!!!
You look at their choices and wonder why would you choose that? Yes I am coming back to CHOICE. That is what it is all about. Right now I am debating my choices. Do I say to the person that I care about, WAKE UP, quit choosing to waste, quit choosing the path that will lead you no where; or do I choose to sit back let them make the choices that they want and then listen to them choose to ask me later why I let them choose that path.
Which brings up another very valid point, OWN YOUR CHOICES! If you choose poorly you will eventually see it, feel the pain of those choices but don't look to shift the responsibility on to someone that cares about you and ask them why they didn't say anything. If you choose wisely you will reap the rewards. I have never heard someone say, I choose wisely, my life is great and its all your fault. It is so easy to blame when things go wrong.
I have to believe that some where out in this world filled with people who consciously and unconsciously make choices everyday understand what I am saying. I speak to people and sometimes they look at me as if I am speaking another langue, this can not be that hard to understand.
Now I know that there are some situations that exist in this world where choice was taken from you, where responsibility lies somewhere else and with someone else, however you have the choice on how to react. You have the choice to turn it around, make something better of it.
I was in a car accident 20 years ago, I know long time but I suffered a closed head injury. I spent eight months in an out patient brain injury clinic trying to get some of my functions back. I had a choice I could listen to the doctors who said I would be lucky to ever get back to where I was (which at the time I was 19 years old) or I could choose to do more. I could choose that I was worth the effort and I have something to offer. There are people that work with closed head injury patients that talk to me and are amazed and ask lots of questions. That just tells me I chose right. I am worth the work, the effort and I am enough.

Ok so my choice now is to start blogging on a more regular basis. If you have questions, comments, or something you would like to just get someone else's opinion on let me know.
Thanks for reading
Remember, Choose to smile, choose to be happy!

IT IS ABOUT CHOICE

Everyday things happen and we don't understand why. Sometimes the why isn't what is important. It took me a long time to realize this when things would happen in my life and like most people I always try and figure out the why. To be honest it is more about the how.
I often to my friends and family say little quips like "Don't let 5 seconds of courage ruin the rest of your life." or "It's a choice." Well that last one changed everything. Most people ask why instead of how because they haven't yet understood that the why is because of the how and the how is because of the Choice.
I love my family dearly and sometimes I go a little overboard with that and my little tidbits of helpfulness. However, I came to realize when I finally Woke Up and understood that I am here doing exactly what I am doing because I choose to.
If you are not happy with your life, you have a choice. If you don't like where you are, you have a choice. I know it is easy to sit and make excuses and stay where you are unhappy or where you feel like you can't get out, but you can its your choice.